Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
