If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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