she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You pole danced in your parka.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
