Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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