cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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