my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
