This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We need a shit load of segways right now
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
