hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
