I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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