i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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