So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
