everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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