I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
