Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
