How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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