Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
