On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
