I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
