shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
