i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Hippo gnu deer
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
