If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
