we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
