i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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