i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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