There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
