I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
