It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
