NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
