wakey wakey hands off snakey
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
