he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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