i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
