you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
