Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
