I hope my margaritas pass through security.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You are a genius and a whore.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
