We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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