Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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