We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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