there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
