I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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