booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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