im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
