maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
