I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
