id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
