Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
