I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
