There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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