There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
40s are totally the cure
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
