How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
