i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
